For quite some time now I've been trying to write this blog post. I was waiting for the right time, the right topic, the right idea. But it wasn't coming to me. I do this to myself endlessly... If something isn't right, it is wrong. Ironically, I try to unteach this to my students all the time... it's okay to make mistakes; try again; give yourself time; it doesn't have to be perfect. And then I fight myself out of these thoughts all day long. Why? Why can't we practice what we preach? As teachers, and as parents, we still have that need for perfection. To be honest, I am not like this in every aspect of my life, but in my writing that I am trying to keep up, I have a hard time accepting imperfection. Someone once told me that perfectionism is a lie, an excuse for denial. So, here I am writing, even though I didn't really have the best idea at first because I refuse to allow myself to live in a world where I feel that I have to be perfect. Even if it means fighting these thoughts every hour of the day.
If I've learned nothing else in teaching a hybrid classroom, it's that these days, life is messy. Everyday, I will try things that do not work, and every day something will surprise me when it does work. The only thing that matters right now is getting through the day, making sure the students have a happy place to learn and feel safe, and that they learn something. If I go home and something was learned, it was a truly successful day. With my own children, I ask them each day, "What did you learn today?" Their teachers will be so proud to know that they always have something to tell me. So, now this is my goal for my students as well. I want my students to be able to go home and say something they learned, even if it's something small.
Something else I've learned in this crazy life we are living right now is that we really have to slow down. I keep saying it, but not allowing myself to accept it. I have been teaching for 15 years now, and this is the first time in 15 years that I've had no choice but to slow down. Everything has been go, go, go, since I graduated college. The list of things we are expected to teach, keeps growing. But, when the pandemic hit, and I had to pick and choose what I would teach, I realized how effective and important it is to make priorities in teaching. These little minds can only handle so much. I am seeing that although we didn't have our classes the way we wanted them, these kids still managed to learn, even though it was through bits and pieces of internet-interrupted Zoom sessions, or videos their teachers made, and parents stepping in to be the teachers themselves. I don't believe we lost three months of school now that I've been working for eight weeks with these kids who have clearly been quite capable of flexibility and perseverance. I don't believe they are losing anything now either. Sure, it's harder for me to plan and make things work. It's practically impossible for working parents to manage this schedule and their careers. And yes, they are learning differently. But these kids, they are amazing! They are finding a way to learn, as we find a way to manage it.
Seeing the smiles on my students each day, and seeing my own kids loving going back to school is truly a gift. I haven't seen kids so happy at school in years. Don't get me wrong, I know deep down, kids have always loved school. But this year, they openly admit to loving school, and actually get out of bed without a major fight. Whether it's through the lens of the camera, or through the muffled words in their masks, kids crave learning, and are going to be resilient as long as we lead them the right way. I think that is the best lesson they are going to learn from all of this. Some might be ridden with anxiety for awhile, but they are going to come out stronger in the end, and learn to adjust to impossible situations. They are going to learn to cope with anxiety--a tool many adults do not have. They are doing it as we speak, and we have to be strong enough to nurture that too. There is no right or wrong here. We need to just get through it, even when it's messy.
Don't get me wrong, I am certainly frustrated a lot of the time, and beyond exhausted, as are we all these days. I do not want to sugarcoat the reality right now, nor take away from the truly negative feelings we are all having trying to get through this. But, when I acknowledge that I am an imperfect teacher, an imperfect mom, an imperfect human being, I am able to get myself back on track and focus on my realm of control. Trying to make things perfect, does give me an excuse to stop trying because nothing will ever be perfect.
Quarantining my family for months, and now working through a pandemic has taught me many things: This life is crazy; don't ever take toilet paper for granted; I miss my friends and family more than anything; I deeply love my job and being IN my classroom WITH my students. And most importantly, I am starting to believe these beautiful words: "perfectionism is a lie." I am no longer going to use the thought of trying to be perfect to allow me to avoid doing something. Because the reality is that it's the little steps we take, that get us through these insanely hard times. One small step is admitting, and truly accepting imperfection.
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