Perfectly Imperfect

For quite some time now I've been trying to write this blog post.  I was waiting for the right time, the right topic, the right idea.  But it wasn't coming to me.  I do this to myself endlessly...  If something isn't right, it is wrong.  Ironically, I try to unteach this to my students all the time...  it's okay to make mistakes; try again; give yourself time; it doesn't have to be perfect.  And then I fight myself out of these thoughts all day long.  Why?  Why can't we practice what we preach?  As teachers, and as parents, we still have that need for perfection.  To be honest, I am not like this in every aspect of my life, but in my writing that I am trying to keep up, I have a hard time accepting imperfection.  Someone once told me that perfectionism is a lie, an excuse for denial.  So, here I am writing, even though I didn't really have the best idea at first because I refuse to allow myself to live in a world where I feel that I have to be perfect.  Even if it means fighting these thoughts every hour of the day.

If I've learned nothing else in teaching a hybrid classroom, it's that these days, life is messy.  Everyday, I will try things that do not work, and every day something will surprise me when it does work.  The only thing that matters right now is getting through the day, making sure the students have a happy place to learn and feel safe, and that they learn something.  If I go home and something was learned, it was a truly successful day.  With my own children, I ask them each day, "What did you learn today?"  Their teachers will be so proud to know that they always have something to tell me.  So, now this is my goal for my students as well.  I want my students to be able to go home and say something they learned, even if it's something small.

Something else I've learned in this crazy life we are living right now is that we really have to slow down.  I keep saying it, but not allowing myself to accept it.  I have been teaching for 15 years now, and this is the first time in 15 years that I've had no choice but to slow down.  Everything has been go, go, go, since I graduated college.  The list of things we are expected to teach, keeps growing.  But, when the pandemic hit, and I had to pick and choose what I would teach, I realized how effective and important it is to make priorities in teaching.  These little minds can only handle so much.  I am seeing that although we didn't have our classes the way we wanted them, these kids still managed to learn, even though it was through bits and pieces of internet-interrupted Zoom sessions, or videos their teachers made, and parents stepping in to be the teachers themselves.  I don't believe we lost three months of school now that I've been working for eight weeks with these kids who have clearly been quite capable of flexibility and perseverance.  I don't believe they are losing anything now either.  Sure, it's harder for me to plan and make things work.  It's practically impossible for working parents to manage this schedule and their careers.  And yes, they are learning differently. But these kids, they are amazing!  They are finding a way to learn, as we find a way to manage it.  

Seeing the smiles on my students each day, and seeing my own kids loving going back to school is truly a gift.  I haven't seen kids so happy at school in years.  Don't get me wrong, I know deep down, kids have always loved school. But this year, they openly admit to loving school, and actually get out of bed without a major fight. Whether it's through the lens of the camera, or through the muffled words in their masks, kids crave learning, and are going to be resilient as long as we lead them the right way.  I think that is the best lesson they are going to learn from all of this.  Some might be ridden with anxiety for awhile, but they are going to come out stronger in the end, and learn to adjust to impossible situations.  They are going to learn to cope with anxiety--a tool many adults do not have.  They are doing it as we speak, and we have to be strong enough to nurture that too.  There is no right or wrong here.  We need to just get through it, even when it's messy.

Don't get me wrong, I am certainly frustrated a lot of the time, and beyond exhausted, as are we all these days.  I do not want to sugarcoat the reality right now, nor take away from the truly negative feelings we are all having trying to get through this.  But, when I acknowledge that I am an imperfect teacher, an imperfect mom, an imperfect human being, I am able to get myself back on track and focus on my realm of control.  Trying to make things perfect, does give me an excuse to stop trying because nothing will ever be perfect.    

Quarantining my family for months, and now working through a pandemic has taught me many things:  This life is crazy; don't ever take toilet paper for granted; I miss my friends and family more than anything; I deeply love my job and being IN my classroom WITH my students.  And most importantly, I am starting to believe these beautiful words: "perfectionism is a lie."  I am no longer going to use the thought of trying to be perfect to allow me to avoid doing something.   Because the reality is that it's the little steps we take, that get us through these insanely hard times.  One small step is admitting, and truly accepting imperfection.  

Fitting a Square Peg into a Round Hole

Starting a new school year brings on so many emotions.  Some feel excited to meet new classmates and teachers, while others feel nervous wondering how they will fit in.  Some of us struggle with feeling both ways.  How can we possibly feel excited and nervous at the same time?  I often feel very uncomfortable with opposing emotions, but so often feel them and have found ways to be more accepting of this as I've gotten older.  But also, I've gotten better at saying it and honoring those feelings.  I'm finding this to be super helpful with my almost eight-year-old who has been displaying more signs of anxiety lately.  With the global pandemic, and school looking more different than it has ever looked, I worry for a child who is feeling anxious, as much as I worry for my own anxiety.  I've really tried to find ways to be more mindful of my feelings and why I feel them.  In turn, I make my son do the same.  It seems so simple to just say "I feel ____ because ____."  How could something so simple be so effective?  But it is.  

For me, there are larger issues at hand that make my feelings more complex, but for my son's simple mind, identifying why he feels a certain way actually makes him feel better.  Maybe not better, but it gives him relief to realize, "Oh, that's why I'm sad. That makes sense."  I always try to honor his feelings too, and let him cry if he is sad.  Crying is a release of energy, which is a good thing.  It's allowing the shift.  I tell him I understand why he feels that way, and that it is okay to feel sad, or angry, or worried.  It's also okay to cry when we are sad.  We feel these ways, and we need to honor that.  I am very careful not to try to "fix" his feelings.  I offer him ideas for thinking about it, but I never tell him not to be sad.  I let him feel sad, but then try to think of what also makes him happy.  In this world, especially right now, we feel sad.  And much of what makes us feel sad has no solution yet.  I need to teach my child that we don't always have solutions, sometimes we have to wait, or find them on our own.  

This new school year is going to bring on a whole new set of emotions and problems, for all of us.  Last year, I made a change from teaching fifth grade to first grade.  It was literally the hardest thing I ever did in my career, until now.  I feel a lot of feels right now over this new challenge coming my way.  I am reinventing and recreating the unknown, and many of my tried and true tools are not going to be at my fingertips anymore.  I remember watching Apollo 13 many years ago (see clip below), and NASA was challenged to make a "square peg fit into a round hole" to save the astronauts who didn't land on the Moon (keep in mind that this was a true story).  This is how I feel going into this school year.  We once again, have to make the impossible, possible, just like we did in March.  Looking around at my amazing peers, I know we are going to make it happen.  It's not going to be easy.  We are probably going to fail at something along the way.  But there is one thing I know about teachers.  We are problem-solvers.  Any big company would be lucky to have a teacher come on board with them.  We will make a square peg fit into a round hole, and many of us are going to make it look easy, even though behind the scenes we are scared and sad and nervous.  

So to my fellow teachers, and my fellow parents who are helping us teach now too, I challenge you to honor your feelings.  Be kind to your teachers who are cringing on the inside with vulnerability right now, and smiling on the outside because your child deserves the best we have to offer.  Be the best problem-solvers that you can be.  Nothing about this is easy, for any of us.  I think when I really analyzed my feelings, I realized I am scared because I don't want to fail at teaching my students, and I'm sad because school isn't going to be the same for my own children.  I'm a veteran teacher feeling like a first year teacher, again.  But I felt that way last year when I switched grade levels, and I was okay.  So many questions are unanswered right now, but when we get down to the teaching, you are the rockstars that will find a way to make it work, and your students and families will follow your lead.  We are all in this together, and at this moment, I truly believe that together, we are going to make the square peg fit.  And to quote what is clearly such an appropriate movie in a pandemic, "Failure is not an option."  But really, failure is an option, as long as you get back up and find another way.

Apollo 13